And here I am with another post, because the bordem is driving me nuts.

Once again, I'm at a lost of what to do. I know I made up my mind already but somehow I'd been hearing things which is starting to make me swing the other way. I know I should not be whining about this, because compared to other people, at least I have a choice, and at least my choices are not socially deemed lousy and I have a way out. But no, because we are all selfish, I'm just thinking about me, myself and I. And what's making everything a lot worse is that the head and the heart are bent on opposing each other, leaving me torn between the two. What's practical and what's my interest. What's acceptable, and mind you not by my terms, and what's the "right choice." I'd been told to make a right choice, and I really wonder, how can there even be a wrong choice? How can following either your head or your heart even be a wrong choice? What would then constitute a right choice? Choosing what you want, or what is right in others' eyes?

Perhaps it is time to take a risk, because the last time I chose the acceptable, I ended up with the self-suicidal combi of mine. Yep, self-suicidal because I'd never been a science student in the first place, and I spent most of the science lectures just stoning and waking up when it's time to copy things down. And I walked out of JC with the regret of not pursuing Lit. A small part of me had always wondered, that if I had taken Lit right from the start of J1, perhaps my results for that 2 years, and ultimately the As would have been much better, and most probably, I won't be facing this inability to decide. Plus, my language may not be as bad as it is now. But then again, all these are just what-ifs. And what-ifs can destroy a person, as it did to Dan Scott.

And the last few times I took a risk, I ended up happier than I had been. I made good friends and didn't regret it.

However the challenge now is to figure on which is a risk and which isn't. Not an easy feat for sure, especially with the interference of external forces.

I like reading the Today newspaper because of the Comment and Analysis section. The writers can be super duper sarcastic and write a whole lot of nonsense, and yet be so clear in putting their point across. Can you believe it, they write a whole bunch of nonsense about frivolous stuff and actually make sense! If I start writing about frivolous stuff, I end up talking nonsense and there won't be a point to the whole thing. Today's section was particularly ticklish and I'm so amused by one article that I can't stop thinking about it. I wish I can write like them, but hey, they probably got Masters in English or Journalism. I only have a stupid grade for General Paper. No comparison can be made.

And reading this section almost everyday makes me miss GP. Not the lesson, because I gotta admit, I don't pay attention during GP tutorials. Maybe that's why Mrs Peh loves to call me during the lesson. But I miss the paper 1 part of GP, where we have to think of points to support our stand etc. I barely think now and that's not a very good thing, is it?

And you know, after typing the above, it is not even lunchtime!! It's so gonna be a long day.

I miss Steph, although she probably never read this. I need her practical advice and when something happened today, I wanted to text her, but then I remembered she's not in town. Oh well, just a few more days and I will have my bestie back!

Sometimes, I think knowing what you want and not getting it is better than not knowing what you want. At least we have an idea where our head is at and we are able to deal with the fact that we did not get it, than to not know and have to struggle while finding out what it is that we really want. Because eventually, time helps us forget(yes forget and not heal) the pain and the scars left behind.

And on the other hand, perhaps ignorance is bliss. Not knowing means we won't have any expectations. No expectations equals no disappointment. And perhaps we are much better off without disappointment.

This feeling is not going away and it's like I'm stuck in this vacuum. I want out!

I need to do something more purposeful with my life.