Manhattan from the sky.

I Drive Myself Crazy

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I never meant

Most of those pretty words I said

But I wanted you to think I did

Cause telling you all this makes no difference

Its useless

"Smile, even if it's a sad smile, because sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile."

I haven't been myself, and haven't been able to lately. This is one of the main reasons why I detest growing up. We understand more. Understand ourselves, the flawed human nature and how every problem stem from selfishness or greed. In other words, we see the ugly side of the world. And sometimes, the people in this ugly world hurt us, or to be more precise, what the people do or say hurt us. We then try to play it off, as though it doesn't matter, when in fact, it stings a whole lot and we have absolutely no idea how to make it go away.

I don't know which feels worse. To be all alone in a room, or to be in a room full of people and surrounded by friends and yet still feel all alone. The first is miserable all right, because there is no one to turn to at all. But the latter, is far far more miserable because that's when you realised, you have no one to turn to, and no one cares enough to ask if you are all right. The realisation is like a cold slap at your face. It wakes you up. And soon, self pity and depression become your best friends.

I want to be happy. I really do. And I don't want to keep feeling like this. Two people I know are in the happy and blissful mood and I'm envious. Not of their budding romance, but of the happiness they are feeling. The kind of simple happiness you get you know someone cares, or when someone does something really sweet for you and the immediate smile that action brings to your face. Or when you remember something funny and unknowingly, you smile to yourself. The simple and a tad silly kind of happy. That's what I want. And to be really frank? I fear this will that I'm immune to feeling that kind of happiness because it's been a while. And it is scary thinking that I'm numb to this and if it never goes away.

Just because I smile, it doesn't mean I'm okay. Just because I laugh, it doesn't mean I'm happy. It's a pretence, and let's face it, everyone does it. And I detest it when I have nothing to do at work, because thats when my mind starts whirling away and the whole cycle begins again. It doesn't help that I somehow start listening to pensive mood inducing songs when the mind is getting into overdrive. I rather be occupied with the hair-pulling task of putting all the papers, and by alot, I mean ten million stacks of papers, into alphabetical order. But no. Apparently, there are a lot of things that I want and I don't get them. Unless I can buy it, which is bad for the pockets because my pay is not in yet. I need the input to sustain my output.

And on a slightly happier note, I guess I have made up my mind. Not that I have much of a choice in the first place.

Can you believe it? This is one, and probably last, post which I didn't censor much.

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