Manhattan from the sky.

I slip away to a day that’ll never come

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I dream days away, but that’s okay -

It’s like I want to hear a silent sound -

And then hold it in my hand

But a rose won’t blossom from a ground of desert sand

"Only Fooling Myself" is on replay at the moment. It is a good reminder.

Pardon but I think this is gonna be a pretty cynical post.

Had a fantabulous time with the Guides sisters last night! Poking fun of each other, having conversations where the topic change in a span of 5 seconds and then going back to the same topic and just plain ol' enjoying each others' company. Sometimes, when I do look back on my short life thus far, I'm truly glad to have friends like them. Sticking it through good and bad times in secondary school, and maintaining the friendship throughout the hectic JC life.

And just somehow, I have this thing against selfish people. But the irony is, everyone is selfish. I'm being terrible cynical, but I honestly think that everyone is selfish. Everyone has their vested interest when they do something, and everyone wants to be at the top of everybody else's priority list. Maybe it is just innate character, our flawed human nature, but I seriously doubt we can ever find someone who is completely selfless. Take giving up your seat on the train or bus. Do we give up the seats because we truly care about the welfare of the pregnant lady/ elderly? Or do we give it up because we don't want the other passengers to think the worst of us? Chances are, it is a combination of both. And even so, the selfish nature is apparent, because we are considering ourselves in the picture already.

It's true that working allows you to see all sorts of people. The selfish, the "wayang", the slackers and the list can go on. But of course, you get to meet nice people, like the awesome bunch of lao jiaos at work. They are really the reason why work can be so fun. Like the other day, Beatrice gave me a rose which was so pretty!! And Wei Jie bought orange juice when he won at his mahjong game. And we went out for a nice dinner at The Sail before heading to Haagen Daz for fondue! It is at times like this that I wish time will just stop. I like my life as it is now, albeit a tad lack of a social life. But there is no school, which means no homework, studying and examinations. And work is not as stressful and my life does not depend on this job. Thinking about going Uni is a bit depressing because we all have to start over, and the only consolation is I know a few people who are going for the same course, and maybe the same major? Who knows, it might end up like going to AJ all over again, with familiar faces everywhere I turn. And if it ends up like AJ again, it won't be a bad thing, will it?

Usually, we would think that our faces will give our feelings away and that’s why, many of us are pretty good as masking our true feelings. We can give the illusion that everything is perfect and easy peasy, when on the inside, we are actually struggling to hold it together. The very act of pretending everything is okay when it isn't, is torturous and draining to the mind. But that’s the thing. People tell us not to hide our feelings, but when we put our hearts on the sleeve, they get uncomfortable or don’t know how to deal with it. So what's the whole point? Life is just a big masquerade party, no one will show their true intentions, unless they are in their little private room with their special invitation. So yeah, everyone, put on your best mask of plastic smiles and hypocritical joy.

I had a really nice talk with beloved, just spilling stuffs that had been bothering us lately. I'm really glad we agree on many things and share the same view most of the time. Seriously, I think my crazy friends are the one who keep me sane at times like this.

And I'm really counting down to my trip because it means I can get away with everything, or that's what I like to think. In actual fact, everything will merely be put on hold, waiting for me to deal with when I get back. So looking forward to it, not.

But then again, it isn't really my style to be proactive and face everything. Deal with it. And meanwhile, do me a favour. Don't keep pestering me with anything else.
Yep, I don't make the first move.

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