I suddenly recalled what you asked me one and a half years ago. I simply marvel how relevant those words are up to now, and how you could say something that, up to today, remain so close to my heart, something that I would question myself every now and then. I was so silly back then, to have said yes so readily with immense conviction, to think that I knew it all, to think I had it all. But I guess, as an outsider, as a dear friend, you could see better, and you did know better. And, I'm really grateful for you saying that to me, although it did stung and still stings. I guess that's what best friends are for. It serves as a reminder, a checkpoint for me. And for that, I really thank you even though you probably will never read this.

And now, it is upsetting to say that I'm wavering on that yes which I said so assuredly one and a half years ago. And I wonder, what went wrong between then and now. And, was it an illusion then? Perhaps, I was in denial, when deep down, I'd already known the truth.

The whole scene is on replay in my head. And, I mean non-stop replay as though the stop button is spoilt.

I guess, the conclusion is, I suck at this balancing act.